Divorce

Parties: future ex spouses

Essence

In temporary measures the court decided on a visitation schedule of 3 hours a week under guidance due to the alcoholproblem of the man (for which he received treatment in a clinic). The annunciation of the divorce did not take place in an effective way. The parties still not agree if there is an active addiction or not. Parties want to finalize their divorce in mediation and make a parenting plan with a preference for a co parenting agreement in which the safety of the child is taken into account.

To take the Parties out of their discussions about what is the truth and who is the victim the mediator used the Harvard Negotiation Mode

Content of mediation

Case

To take the Parties out of their discussions about what is the truth and who is the victim the mediator used the Harvard Negotiation Model to show them that the desired solution could be found by identifying their needs and shared interests and that a focus on the truth and the facts will universally drive parties apart (note 3). The mediator informed the parties about The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse from Gottman: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt and their antidotes and reminded them during their conversations. The parties became aware that it is important to focus on what you do want and to make that specific and make agreements based on that. With the permission of the parties the mediator made suggestions for solutions. This resulted in temporarily agreements for the care schedule with safety conditions which the parties evaluated with the mediator (note 4). That way the parties came to agreements for their child in which the Man committed to alcohol and drug tests to ensure that the worries of the Woman about an active addiction were addressed sufficiently (note 5). Also agreements were made for the situation there would be a positive test result for the safety of the child. This scenario was explored by discussing how to return to the care schedule when that was possible again. This to promote openness and transparency from the side of the Man when he would have a relapse. This was important to the mother to guarantee the safety of the child. For father this was important to be able to pick up the co parenting as soon as possible. Parties came to the desired co parenting. With regards to the house a financial mediator joined the mediation in the last phase of the mediation. The financial co mediator corrected the tax filings from the past and aided with the agreements on the payment of the house and the house itself. The house was important to the Woman to ensure that she had a house and would be capable to have the co parenting with the fathers of both her children.

Interests

Parties and their child needed rest and a clear care agreement by which they could contract on enough safety and trust could be built that they could do the co parenting. The mediator guided the parties to identify this interest and their patterns and working out a their live and parenting after the divorce:

Result

Because of testing of the suggestions for solutions in practice and evaluating these the parties could zoom out and focus on what they wanted to achieve in the interest of their child, as a priority. After trial and error under guidance of the mediator these could be worked out in fitting agreements. Contracting provided the necessary framework for this. Because of the long history and the lack of trust and because of an incident alarm of the day care center with Veilig Thuis during the mediation a longer period was needed to regain trust and make agreements for after the divorce to execute the co parenting. The man recieved a framework to counter any assumptions of the woman or others and the woman could test if the safety conditions are met. The financial co mediator informed the parties about the necessary corrections on their tax applications and the balancing out of claims. This to make a fresh start on these points as well. Agreements were made so that the woman could take over the house to ensure the co parenting could be executed. On all points of the divorce agreements were made.

Reflection mediator

this mediation I did a course to become a parenting coordinator, which provided me with more trust and tools to find solutions together with the parties and evaluate those. Especially the insight that with suggestions and a more directive approach combined with a solution based approach with specific agreements can provide the parents with a basis and calm (end to discussions, providing a framework and accountability) was insightful for me and applicable in practice. It helped the parents to step out of their dynamic and it provided the parties with a framework for their future. During the mediation an incident was announced with Veilig Thuis and I had to remain alert on my position as a neutral mediator and keep investigating with the parties (and through their lawyers) if mediation was still a suitable process for them. I guarded my neutrality to make it explicit and to stay clear on my role in the process in which the shared interests are the focus and that I do not have a position of a judge and that the parties need to ask their lawyers for advice.

I experienced that the parties remained committed by returning to the shared interests time and again and clear boundaries. I experienced the co mediation with the financial mediator as pleasant as well as working together with a financial expert in divorce situations (for the house). This was also beneficial for the parties. Because of the set of agreements they could close off a challenging period in their loves and focus on their futures. These parties also needed closure on financial matters to close the past and filling in their future lives and to connect with their future.

MEDIATION PROCESS

Referral

The parties were referred to the mediator by their lawyers.

Co-mediation

At the end of the mediation a financial co mediator joined

Background of the mediator

Lawyer-mediator, parenting coordinator, Family constulator

Guidance for the parties and others involved

Each of the parties had their own lawyer who was available for advise in the background. The financial co mediator was involved to correct the tax filings of the past and to come to a financial settlement. To find a solution to take over the house the parties were referred to a financial advisor specialized in divorce.

Intake/plenary/caucus

Meetings live and online. Some one on one meetings.

Reports

Reports were made.

Duration

Over a year in which in some periods a lot of meetings had to take place to deal with incidents and there was also time necessary to collect financial documents work out the taxes and because of holidays of the parties.

Notes

1. John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman of the Gottman institute identify 4 behaviors as indicators for divorce. The intervention is to identify these destructive patterns and inform on their antidotes.
2. interpunction is the interpreting of interaction from the idea of cause and effect.
3. Getting to Yes, negotiating an agreement without giving in Roger Fisher and William Ury p 13 and 42-57.
4. Getting to yes Chapter 4.
5. Getting to yes p 13